Huzzah! It’s that time again! Time for TechCrunch50: where thousands of struggling entrepreneurs spend three grand they can barely afford to watch fifty of their peers dancing like malnourished bears for the approbation of Jason Calacanis! It’s like Christians and lions meets Satan’s own version of speed dating, with added Scoble! What’s not to love?
I’m sorry – you’ll have to forgive my cynicism, it’s just that I have to prove to you that I haven’t gone native.
You see, one of the main reasons I was hired by TechCrunch was for my traffic-driving habit of hurling faeces at unsuspecting industry conferences. Conferences like Jeff Pulver’s inexorably ill-planned 140 Characters in New York or Loic LeMeur’s très froid ‘Le‘ in Paris – both of which saw the sharp end of my tongue when I was at the Guardian. I learned there that no-one cares when I talk about interesting start-ups or noteworthy trends – but when I textually assault a hard-working event organiser, the page impressions flow like gravy.
And so you can imagine how worried I felt when I realised that the very first major conference to come along after I moved to TechCrunch would be the one that pays my wages.
For weeks friends have been responding to my protests of impartiality with wry looks and knowing chuckles. “Sure,” they said, “even if the wifi’s shit, the venue’s freezing and there’s no food, you’ll still have to say nice things. Arrington’s not going to let you publish a hatchet job about his cash cow. The man is a renowned megalomaniac; worse than Stalin and Kim Jong-il added together.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I argued back, “that’s just propaganda put about by jealous rivals at lesser blogs. Arrington hired me for my fierce independence, not just because he wanted to make sure I’d toe the line when it came to the most important event on his calendar. No one would be that cynical.”
Right?
Well, we’ll find out soon enough. In a bold journalistic experiment, this week’s column is split into several installments, of which this is the first. The others will be filed on Monday and Tuesday, live from the conference hall, or from whichever after-party or fringe event I find myself at when my deadline hits. I’ll be working overtime to bring you a true and complete picture of the event, so if you spot a hyper-focussed figure, hunched away from the main throng, obsessively pecking away at a laptop when he should be drinking and having fun, that’ll be me. (Or possibly Gabe Rivera; you’ll know for sure by the shoes.)
My original plan was to use this first installment as a prologue, to preview some of the companies that will be launching on Monday and Tuesday and suggesting which pitches you should definitely check out. I wouldn’t give too much away, of course, but hopefully I’d give you an idea of the 50 amazingly revolutionary products that will be competing for the $50k grand prize, plus $4.7bn in advertising credits, 3.76m Beenz and a share in the fortune of the late Dr Clement Okon of Nigeria.
There are just two problems with this plan. Firstly, with the exception of Penn and Teller, I have absolutely no idea what start-ups will be pitching. Really. In the interests of impartiality – and laziness – I’ve kept well away from TechCrunch HQ, where I understand frantic last minute preparations are underway to make sure this year’s event is the best ever. MG is charging his iPhones, Arrington is practicing his cynical stage-stare, Lacy is ironing her ‘I *heart* Brazil t-shirt, Daniel Brusilovsky and the interns are doing all the actual work – that kind of thing. But I’m staying behind my Chinese wall. Until yesterday I hadn’t even bothered checking that the venue was the same as last year, or confirming that I actually had a ticket.
(It is. I have.)
The second problem is that I strongly suspect this year’s companies will fall into the category of evolutionary, rather than revolutionary. Which is probably a good thing. The market being what it is, it makes a lot of sense to play safe: develop something that users and investors can easily get on board with, make some revenue, keep up repayments on your home, ride out the storm.
The fact that last year’s winner, Yammer, was an evolution (’clone’ is such an impolite word) of Twitter is a case in point, and it wouldn’t suprise me if the selection panel have chosen similar kinds of businesses this year. Which is great for those who value tried and tested ideas and solid business models but terrible news for a columnist who gets off on mocking the sick and jeering the lame.
But, then again, I could be completely wrong. I mean, if this year’s selection really does err on the side of caution, how does one explain Penn and Teller? These are hardly men renowned for safe ideas; the last time I saw Teller thinking inside a box, Penn poured in a swarm of bees and did something decidedly innovative with a can of gasoline. So perhaps their presence is a hint that this year’s event will be one filled with ridiculously bold ideas, chosen to inject a much-needed shot of adrenaline in the arm of an industry flirting with the doldrums.
And yet that possibility doesn’t quite feel right either. No, actually, the more I think about it, the more I suspect that Penn and Teller’s attendance is indicative of a much more cynical plot altogether.
Just consider the evidence: a few weeks ago when Arrington asked for my bio for CrunchBase, I mentioned the odd factoid that I used to be a magician. Four weeks later and – lo! – Penn and Teller, the magicians’ magicians, are slated to pitch at TechCrunch50. Coincidence? I hardly think so.
A far more likely explanation is that my friends were right about Arrington all along. The poor man really is so desperate to ensure that my TechCrunch50 review is positive that he’s selected each of the participating companies based purely on how likely they are to appeal to me, and me alone. The other 1999 attendees be damned, all that matters is getting my journalistic thumbs up.
It’s an audacious plan. And you know what? It might just work. Especially if he’s chosen such me-focussed companies as…
- DoucheBall
An evolution of the Foursquare/Dodgeball concept, designed to appeal to men who, for whatever reason, want to avoid running into any of their ex-girlfriends. Whenever a previous flame checks into a venue, an alert is pushed to the man’s phone allowing him to stay well clear until the danger has passed. Much like Foursquare, there’s a fun game element too, with badges to be won based on certain patterns of behaviour. By default, all users are awarded the “Player, please” and “Coward, grow up” badges at sign-up. - Am I Fired Or Not?
You know how it is – you have multiple freelance gigs, any of which you could lose at a moment’s notice by writing unforgivably navel-gazing columns about yourself and your friends. Combined with industry-wide budget cuts and publication closures, keeping track of who still employs you can be a full time job. But not any more! Introducing ‘Am I Fired Or Not?’ – the Friendfeed of firing; the RSS of redundancy. Simply add each new employer as they hire you, and be instantly notified when – a few weeks later – they come to their senses and remove themselves. - WhoreSquare
Sure, services like Skimlinks provide a neat way for site owners to make extra revenue by turning key words and phrases into affiliate links. But some editors are uneasy at the idea of shilling to their readers under the guise of producing impartial content. If you’re one of those editors then WhoreSquare is your perfect compromise. Simply install this free plugin and every single word on your blog will be instantly transformed into an affiliate link to my brilliant book, Bringing Nothing To The Party: True Confessions of a New Media Whore. As an added bonus, every image, including your site’s own logo will be replaced with a gigantic animated gif of me holding the book, and waving. Sure, your readers are still being sold to but, trust me, they’ll thank you for it. - BlackoutCast
Heading out for a quick drink? Want to record everything you say and do after 10pm so you can play it back in the morning and remember all of the people you need to apologise to / pay damages to / add to your avoid list on DoucheBall? There’s an app for that.
Exciting products, all, as I’m sure you’ll agree. And each absolutely guaranteed to get a much-needed positive review from me next week.
Perfect! See you all on Monday! I’ll be the cold, hungry one in the corner, swearing about the fucking wifi.
Of course I can’t be accused of any impartiality here either, but that was a great read. And we’re all glad it finally went up. And that you picked the shorter title.
Hey Carr, a newsflash for your drunk, British cheeky monkey ass:
1. Your entire existence in Silicon Valley is predicated on your ability to stay in Arrington’s good graces–don’t screw it up.
2. Seriously, you’re not going to find another boss who encourages your unique brand of debauchery–don’t screw it up.
3. In terms of monkey’s dancing for me it’s the other way around! I’ve been a dancing monkey for 6 of the last 10 days helping the companies get their presentations ready… they are not dancing on stage for me… they are doing it for themselves and the VCs and their money!
4. Don’t embarrassingly get drunk at TechCrunch50…. without me!
5. Seriously, don’t get embarrassingly drunk at techcrunch50…. on Monday night! Tuesday night is the real party–pace yourself!
6. You better write something nice about at least five demo pit companies or your fired (again). Seriously, Arrington asked me just the other day when/how he should fire you. He’s looking for the perfect day to take over TechMeme with your firing… don’t make TC50 it!
best, j
speaking of non-Americans (including British like Paul Carr): I wonder how many of TechCrunch50 companies are non-American ones? Or is it USA-only event and EU-ropeans need not apply?
Here’s hoping that Techcrunch will eventually hire somebody who knows the difference between honest reporting and thinking, and just being a cynical European creep who hates America and entrepeneurs.
Um, was that aimed at me or Robin?
You.
Then you should probably show your workings given that I moved to America to write about entrepreneurs. Dumb ass.
+20
i wouldn’t assume that means it doesn’t apply to you… writing about what you hate appears to be your forte
You moved to America to write profanity laced nihilist garbage? Really – you shouldn’t have. But what is far worse is that an American is paying you to do it.
Punxsutawney Phil,
The correct spellling is Entrepreneur. Now go back in your hole for six more weeks of winter.
Don’t lie – you know you went to Google to look up how to spell Punxsutawney, just in case.
Actually, I went to Bing.
and what’s wrong with being a cynical european creep anyway?!
do you really want more flowery, american adulation as a precursor to building up more irrational exuberance?!
Awesome post as usual, Paul. Love your work, and hopefully (or not, I’m unsure) I’ll see you at the conference.
wow
thank you for sharing skimlinks
it’s my first time to hear about that
i have 4 blogs
maybe i can use that to earn money
thanks!
Very nice, up to two cuss words this week.
I have my popcorn and beer ready waiting for the usual MA comment about how he should fire you etc etc.
Maybe this week my comment won’t get deleted!
BTW, nice post!
and this is supposed to the “journalism” that will replace the new york times ?
No, this would be an opinion column. If anything this is the “comic strip” that will replace the New York Times.
Finding those Beenz was harder than you think.
This post was not clever, witty or informative. What’s the point?
Just the satisfaction in confusing you. It’s my ambrosia.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for writing.
Looking forward to Monday and Tuesday’s installments.
I think the point is to show how “balanced” TC can be, by hiring somebody to spit in its own face in typically modern nihilist fashion.
Oh RLY ? Genius.
your an idiot Eli.. that was fun and interesting.. far better than the tired technical boring jargon you usually get.. take that big stick out of your ass cause if you used your real name you likely will never get laid again unless it is with the USB port in your PC which probably explains why you have no sense of humor..
are you related to the ceo of cadbury by any chance?
Paul,
You being a Brit I’m surprised you missed the likely European startups:
Cuddle.net :
A site which provides a legitimate outlet for sexual harassment in the work place
Spotify :
Advice and premium content on how to give your partner acne so that your best friend stops hitting on them
Bummble :
A search and discovery service for mobile which reflects the true pain of finding anything on your phone; reducing the user to a squinting fumbling quivering wreck as they navigate small keys, small screen and awful mobile network connection
and of course Turnvox :
A middleware platform which hires a mechanical-turkesque crowd of outsourced third world countries to implement whatever you originally designed your code to do, but couldn’t ever quite get to work properly, thus enabling you to secure $200 million in VC funding.
;-p
Are you angling for a column?
Looks like he’s trying to start a row.
(Did I do that right?)
Great companies all…..
I always loved Twatter, which asked who you were doing, not what. Will it make TC50 this year I wonder?
And don’t forget,
ShowerSpot – a google maps overlay to show Europeans where they can find a place to bath themselves, more frequently.
BrushUp – an instruction site for the British on oral hygene.
I had to remove my Search item widget from the Navigation Toolbar to see the whole URL.
Thank you for justifying my next monitor purchase.
Dear Your Ruthlessness,
Well, I for one just want to say that you brought me to Tech Crunch. Until you signed on, I ignored TC because I couldn’t stand Arrington. Now I’m a casual reader (of more than just your column). As I can’t imagine I’m alone, it appears that Mike is benefiting from being trashed by one of his columnists. Takes guts, I gotta say.
Wow.
That was the most self-indulgent piece I’ve ever come across on TechCrunch. I don’t always agree with the opinions here but the writing is generally sharp, effective and often entertaining. This rambling mess was none of those things.
I do understand that Carr was a trophy hire, touted as the special import who the print media couldn’t control, but that was just sloppy and way, way too long.
I’m all for TechCrunch stirring things up occasionally, but you’re not going be stirring much if no-one can be bothered to read what you publish.
Seriously, that did not work and was simultaneously boring and painful to read. Stop taking your readers for granted and insist that even your special hires take the time to edit down their work into some sort of readable state.
Because you didn’t find it entertaining, I suppose you conclude nobody else could. Just because you’re a pissed off wannabe journalist with a masters in English doesn’t mean your opinion is valuable.
Paul writes funny shit. You write shit. Live with it.
+1
I just don’t get the guy. He spends half the post rambling about himself (like that’s why people come to TC, because they’re fascinated by him), and the other half trying to find a theme regarding TC 50.
He writes like a teenager trying to get attention by being loud and shocking. Gets tired really fast.
Personally I quite enjoyed the article.
This kind of writing is not very interesting, particularly on TechCrunch. All the histrionics give the appearance that the author is trying too hard to be witty and engaging. Concise and penetrating commentary on tech is what belongs on this blog.
I am not sure sure who Paul’s rantings are targeted at.
This writing is best suited for Vanity Fair and GQ, and maybe including Conde Nast Traveller
Christ yeah! God forbid anything interersting or amusing wanders into this arid wasteland of tech babble.
Fire the fucker!
Mr. Paul Carr, You do not want to incur the wrath of Nigerians… We know what you ‘Mean’ (http://oonwoye....ecame-scammers/). We are not Brazilians, we all speak/read English hence 150 million people have read your post and will soon call for your head!
Dr. Clement Okon’s fortune is REAL! and is worth more than King Solomon’s Mines.
Sir, please let me ask you a little question: As you are supposesly drom Nigeria as Dr, Clement Okon, my latest internet acquaintance, would you be so kind to tell him that I would first single-handedly rip-off my left nut before sending him even a cent by Western Union or any other financial service
Long life the dumbasses that do fall for this kind of scam (usually the same that pay for some worthlesd pennystock becausr they received a mail and bought the shit that was written in it.
There’s always two sides to every scam; the criminals putting it up and the idiots falling for it…
every article this guy writes he always includes “this is why I was hired” Were you not loved as a child?
Probably loved TOO much as a child, which is why he thinks the world revolves around him. Doting parents. This is the result.
Rivera and I are at A PARTY in that picture.
Damn Europeans. Send them home.
Paul, when they kicked you out of Telegraph shouldn’t they have send you a wire instead of an email?
On a more serious note, if you hate anonymous comments, a good start is not honoring an anonymous comment with a response. And since you out of the Telegraph does it mean that everything you wrote there is no longer true? Why don’t you take MA to task for failing to lead on this. Trust me this would be the best contribution to humanity you would ever snark.
Genius. Keep up the good work.
its just plain funny. Why so much philosophy about it? He is brought to TC to put some steam and he is doing well. Actually, lately I only read his, MGs and MAs columns. From all tech news in the world.
Awesome post as usual, Paul. Love your work, and hopefully (or not, I’m unsure) I’ll see you at the conference.
Great read! I never comment on blogs. Looking forward to the follow-up posts.
Rule #45.56AB – Don’t take yourselves too seriously.
We spent our seed money on this video produced by fake director Michel Gondellacampos and we also bought redbull and cigarettes!
http://www.yout...h?v=Elq-QgGc8qg
great article as usual… the only thing I don’t get is how Gabe R, can go on hammering at his keyboard while sitting besides such a hot lady?
Paul is this your mom or mine?
Paul carr,
It would help if you would not spell the same incorrect way as Julia Allison..for example Feces is not Faeces..but maybe it is considering your face shot?
Faeces is the British spelling. I am British.
Given that Julia Allison is American, it seems unlikely that we spell in the “same incorrect way”.
Nice attempt at trolling, though. I give you an AE-
amen
lol! techcrunch never fail make me happy. =)
– You know where this is from…
I want to hear about TC50 from someone involved in the action to such a degree that they become a central figure to the story, while completely gorked on peyote. You’re the man to do it.
When the going gets weird ….. the weird turn pro!
Go get em’ Paul
+1, although I wonder if the peyote will be needed.
Funny…
i was going to comment on the article, but couldnt get past all the comments substituting european for british. they arent the same thing. if britain was european, america would be a very very different place.
Im not sure how funny i find him, it varies, quite radically, but its satire, i mean you must be able to tell hes taking the piss?
Paul,
Dude, every time I pop open an ‘opinion’ (satire? Meh, its not entertaining enough to be satire.) column penned by you, I usually don’t get past the “this is why I was hired” tirade.
I thought I’d finally drop a note explaining why… There is no perceived legitimate vehemence behind your words, the implications that you make or the balls out callouts that you attempt, therefore most of the time spectacularly fail, at least lately.
By continually stating that this is your role, you neuter your own argument, and limit your relevance to the reader. You also show the fragility of your situation and how much you don’t enjoy getting the attention that you so crave and are used to. I believe in regards to TC, you’ve lost your edge with the readership, you certainly have with me.
Its now probably too late for a recovery, so I hope you enjoy the rest of your presumably short tenure with TC.
Enjoy!
tl;dr
+1 interwebs
ZOMG!
pwnd.
Maybe, I dunno, I think I touched a nerve…
nice and funny post
looking forward to your next one.
Nice post Paul,
Although you do keep mentioning in all you posts the whole “i was hired to be the controversal one”, its still refreshing to see an honest voice on here.
It’s a shame that many of the people reading this really don’t get the british sense of humour (correct spelling for all you yanks – we invented the language, not you).
What does Googlespace think of Whorespace? If shilling to your readers is buying/selling links that pass page rank that’s a violation of Google’s terms of service. It might not be win win it might be loose loose you sell out and sell fewer books.