Editor’s note: The poem and illustrations below were submitted by an engineer in Silicon Valley who works for a big company and wishes to remain anonymous. The views expressed are not (necessarily) those of TechCrunch. The awesome illustrations are by Doug Shannon
Every geek
Down in Geek-ville
Liked searching a lot …
But Bill Gates,
Who lived just north of Geek-ville,
Did NOT!
Bill Gates hated searching and search advertising!
Now, please don’t ask why. It’s not that surprising.
It could be his brain had slowed up with age.
It could be, perhaps, that he loathed Brin and Page.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Was his wallet was feeling 2 sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His wallet or brain,
By Jan of ’08 he was feeling the pain.
Looking down on the web with a Gatesian stare,
At the billions of people just becoming aware,
That web search NOT windows was the new way to think.
That it’s really more fun to surf popular links!
For,
Tomorrow, he knew …
That some Google shareholder
Would make many more billions
Than him or Steve Ballmer.
They’d start BIGGER foundations
To improve world health
And they might even give away
MORE of their wealth!
And THEN
They’d do something
He liked least of all.
Every googling fool, the tall and the small,
Would sit at their laptops like Sergey and Larry
They’d open their browsers and type in a query!
They’d search! And they’d search!
AND they’d SEARCH! SEARCH! SEARCH! SEARCH!
“They’ll be clicking those ads”, he snarled with a sneer.
“I smell a monopoly! It’s practically here.”
The he growled, with his fingers nervously drumming,
“I must somehow stop that monopoly from coming!”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Bill Gates
Got a wonderful, awful idea!
“I know just what to do!” Gates said with a laugh.
Then he called his pal Ballmer, to plan an attack.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great business trick”.
I’ll buy up Yahoo and I’ll buy them up quick.
All I need is a deal
To get their web stuff
31 dollars per share seems enough!
So Ballmer sent Yahoo his generous offer,
But was told by Yang to return to the coffer.
Did that stop Bill Gates …?
No! He simply said,
“If I can’t buy Yahoo, I’ll sink them instead!”
So while Yahoo’s board was asleep at the wheel,
He asked Steve Ballmer to walk from the deal.
“Now, that is a lesson in playing hardball!”
Said Gates, as he watched Yahoo’s stock in free fall.
Well, it looked like Yahoo was certainly done.
It seemed like Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer had won.
But, let’s not forget, that in Silicon Valley,
You’re one hack away from printing more money.
So Yang and his gang started coding from scratch.
They made up a product that no one could match!
“Part open, part social,” Yang said with a grin.
“We’ll rewire Yahoo from outside to in.
And open up search, the home page, and then
We’ll double our profit by 2010.”
And Gates, in ‘08, who’d lost half of his dough.
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How can it be so?
Is there any way Yahoo can help MS Windows to sell.
Or keep Office sales from going to hell.”
And he puzzled for hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Bill Gates thought of something he hadn’t before.
“Maybe Yahoo,” he thought, “is more than just search.”
“Maybe Yahoo … perhaps … HAS significant worth!”
And what happened then …?
Well … in Geek-ville they say
That Bill Gate’s small wallet
Magically grew 3 sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didn’t feel quite so bare,
He made a cash offer of 30 per share.
Then he opened HIS browser and did something new.
And he
… HE HIMSELF …!
Tried a search on Yahoo!
very witty! think the last couplet was dropped?
… and then the dream faded, until it was gone;
and he woke with a “damn! I’m still Carl Icahn”
Wow. I read it thrice. great stuff.
Me too…
Stupid poem. Not worthy of Techcrunch.
The flow is way off,
the syllables don’t sway,
the rhymes made me cough,
but the drawings are OK.
If you want to write well,
try reading more books,
hear what you’re reading,
look up words you mistook.
And this is how I’d fix MS search:
reduce line-height so my screen fits the SERPs.
The poem in the post was much better than yours, Brunet. “Books” and “took” don’t rhyme as well as “search” and “SERPs.” They would only work if you took of the “S” from both words, however, the poem wouldn’t make sense anymore. I thought the guest author was quite flawless.
Really amazing poem
Haha, very funny and witty!
Having said that…The drawings are good. But the poem really ain’t…
Nothing like reading a poem on TechCrunch after watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”…
Jobs would make a perfect Grinch as he doesn’t philanthropic bone in his bone. But of course that might just be a ‘Bag of Hurt”.
w00ts a witty poem, just the perfect silicon valley christmas tale
Oh, that was nice!
Merry Christmas!
Haha, very nice!
Happy Holidays, everyone! =)
Horrible. Whoever had the time to write this isn’t nearly 1/1000th as smart as Bill and will never ever reach the heights that Bill did.
It is very easy to sit and make fun of Microsoft and how they fail to become the leader in Search. Should Bill had waited until 1998 to started a Search engine instead of his operating system?
Windows powers millions of computers worldwide.
Before the majority of people can enjoy those amazing Google results, they actually fire up a computer that his running because of what Bill, Paul and the thousands of Microsoft employees have learned and done over the last few decades.
And please save us from “Apple would have done or Linux would have”.
A couple of smart teens who are currently working on what will be the future of Search (/Find or whatever you call it). When they bring it to us The same author will sit down and “fable” about how sad Page and Brin are that they missed the boat.
Some make History. Some write History. The rest read History. Unfortunately most of those who write today should retire they “plume”.
dude. chill. it’s a friggin’ poem.
seriously chillax. happy holidays.
I concur. Chill…
I totally agree it was horrible! And Gates as a grench? If I wrote this I’d want to remain anonymous too!!!
Sounds like some wishful Yahoo has some extra time on their hands.
very nice, but i think i still like my own web 2.0 poetry better at http://web-poet.com
No fan of Gates. But has he given up names of Chinese dissidents to the Chinese government?
Doing so, Yahoo! is the Dick Cheney of liberty.
Snitch. Way to uphold American values, snitch.
this is so stupid? I mean ? dont you feel dumber cause you just read that? I never make a comment here I did just cause I wasted my time checking out posts on the new hardware before I went to bed. Whoever did this has way too much time on theirs hands. Did you watch BG’s interview with Charlie? The guy is saving the world or at least is trying
Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!
it was hilarious
It’s a somewhat witty poem. 6.5 on a 10 point scale, maybe? I read it all the way through, so.
But does Gates give a rip about any of this? MS revenues are STILL growing by 20% YTY.
The company that’s really scrambling is Google. Look at all the stuff they’re doing to keep us using a browser that they sponsor.
Curtis
http://ShipItOnTheSide.com – Learn to ship profitable software as a side job.
Wait am lost someone clarify the story who snitched to the chinese government…. Plus Microsoft Rocks Google and Yahoo in big trouble remember Netscape what happened to them they throw stones at the big guy till they got his attention look what panned out. if am wrong believe u me only time will tell…
P.S i think yall shud be more grateful to Bill Gates after all most of u r using his software one way or another today
excellent poem & witty, up until the last 2 stanzas.
(i like the Icahn ending suggested by commenter #1)
Yeah, well, it’s supposed to be a fairy tale
A biased poem.
Has MS starting laying off people? Sounds like a jilted employee with nothing else to do this Christmas.
nice poem.
Bill’s new mission is to make the world a better place.
And thats much better than trying to beat Google.
Merry Christmas everyone!!!
merry christmas . . . now for some hopelessly unskilled, delusional bile in poetic form?! thanks techcrunch.
Thanks for the great post. – I really enjoyed it.
Kind regards,
Saul Maraney
Johannesburg, South Africa
http://www.what...hooponopono.com
nice one.. merry christmas…
This is not only a tale for MSFT but to GOOG too, people will reduce their search and receive their playlist and customized broadcasts (torrents, music, news, videos) by things like FF.
HAHAHAA That made my christmas morning
That was amusing – very witty. Thanks for this, it made me smile.
Simply loved it. The way they guy has written and drafted this poem, I am sure the guy has sharp brains and witty mind. Good one indeed.
TYPICAL TECHCRUNCH READER: “This poem rocks!!! Microsoft sucks. Web 2.0 and sites like digg will take over the world!”
BILL GATES: “That’s really interesting. Maybe I would trade my Microsoft stock to Kevin for his digg shares. Oh wait, may be not, given that Microsoft generates more revenue every 3 seconds than digg does in one year”
Score:
BILL GATES 1 – TYPICAL TECHCRUNCH READER 0
Pwned
lol this is really nice !!! props
That is so awesome. Wish I had thought of writing it. Sweet.
effing brilliant.
thanx!
OK Good poem, but what is the reality here ? At the end of the day all great empire’s fall because there leaders who had the passion either get fat or fade away. I think at the end of the day no matter how much cash you throw at the situation Google is in the lead and will stay there unless they drop the ball. A new day is upon us and the torch is changing hands its just a part of life. God bless and Merry Christmas
Very funny. Awesome!!
I really enjoyed the tale. It is the most ‘Christmasy’ thing i’ve seen today. Christmas dosen’t exist in England!
great poem, but can’t agree with it ideas.
Poem wasn’t that good. Drawings are average. As far as laying people off, I don’t think either Google, Apple, or Microsoft are laying people off. I do know there is a hiring freeze at Apple and Microsoft at the very least, Google I don’t know.
If you plan on parodying Dr. Seuss, at least be kinda of close to the poem you’re trying to parody. Just my two cents.
@meh: feh, your comments aren’t that good. your punctuation & grammar are average. as far as critiques of poems go, yours was decidedly run-of-the-mill.
if you plan on parroting the typical rip jobs & insults of a true TechCrunch troll, at least be kinda of [sic] close to the spirit of the douchebags you’re trying to emulate.
just my $1.02,
@Dave McClure: Your comments on other people’s comments are kinda of weak, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries…. Nevermind, you get the picture.
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I really enjoyed this one. Totally left field, sure. But it did a good job of summing up the disaster that is Microsoft vs. Yahoo!
David Perel
http://www.from-the-couch.com/
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That is so awesome. Wish I had thought of writing it. Sweet
I like very much the writings and pictures and explanations in your adress so I look forward to see your next writings.
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Thank you!
how many post you will spam?
really there will be nuts enough to email you asking to buy him stuff?
the poem ..kool on this christmas morning